This entry isn't really meant for anyone's eyes. I just my need to rant. I had an amazingly good night last night. Not the typical thing that every expects when someone says that, but just an amazing walk in the rain, listening to good tunes. It helped uplift me and rejuvinate my tired mind. I just have been becoming more and more cynical, jaded if you will. I can't help this bitter feeling growing inside of, despite all my attempts to dislodge it. Any little thing can bring it back: money problems, doing chores, even having to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of the cats. I just am drowning in this, I don't even know what it is, feeling? Arg, even that doesn't sound the way I want it to. I think the thing that's frustrating me more than anything right now is standards. It's a device I have created for myself, however, it has backfired on me. All the standards I have created in regards to people I will trust, like, and *gasp* even want to date have become the standards by which others judge me. In saying this I mean that it's getting to the point where if I like someone, the people around me institute the standards that they think I have in regards to that person, telling me he is a creep, or annoying, etc. Though they do this with the best of intentions, I don't think they realize how much it hurts me. I mean, if I like someone and you say those things about him, doesn't that reflect badly on me? What is that saying about me? And it just hurts that it seems that they approve of no one. It's a slap in the face, like they like me being alone while they all have someone dear to them. Why can't I have that too? Now I know the typical response on everyone's mind...why do you even care what they think? My answer has a couple of parts to it. The first is that they are my friends, and they are doing this out of concern for me. I can't bring myself to throw off their thoughts like their concern means nothing to me. They are important to me. The second is that though I may appear strong at times, confident, independant, I am not. Inside I am a scared little girl who doesn't know how to stand on her own. I am not strong enough to walk away. To say screw you all...this is my life and I'll live it how I please. Maybe my problem is more me than their concerns...but still. Negative criticism cuts. Whether it's hurled at you, or someone you care about. Remember that. Everything you say has the ability to destroy someone, even if you don't mean it. See, strange little rants. Told you not to read. More strangeness yet to come.
